What are the secrets of handling negotiation stress? And what do the most experienced negotiators do to make stress productive? Me and Saga Performance have looked into the most critical aspects. Here’s how to handle the stress levels when preparing for the important meeting.

Why is negotiation so stressful?

Handling negotiation stress is, for many people, an inseparable part of the negotiation process. We negotiate because we want to get something that matters to us – be it a better salary, a business partnership, or a solution to a festering dispute. And we often have limited resources like time, money, or the ability to persuade. The combination of both these aspects triggers negotiation anxiety. We simply fear that we might not succeed at achieving our important goal. And of course, the bigger the stakes and the fewer our resources, the more anxious we feel.

The fear of conflict

The second important factor is the fact that most people don’t really like conflict. When I polled business professionals about the biggest stressor linked with negotiation, the fear of conflict came out on top. Again, there is both a „yes“ and a „no“ inherent in every negotiation. The Yes part is the reason why we are talking in the first place; there is usually something to gain if we come to an agreement. The No part kicks in when we perceive things differently or put emphasis on different aspects of what we want to agree on. Sometimes the wants and needs of both parties are direct opposites.  

The possible consequences of those differences are what we fear. We’re worried that the negotiation will turn into an adversarial confrontation, which is both unpleasant and unproductive. If we are likely to negotiate with our counterpart again, we want to avoid a tense relationship and people holding grudges.

Tornado thinking

When we are up for a complex and tough negotiation, we’re often spinning up these persistent conversations with ourselves. Over and over again, we question how to best approach the situation. Some of us rehearse what we’re going to say, calculate the conditions in our heads, and look for the best arguments to use.

Over and over again, we feed the tornado in our head. Much like a real tornado, our whirl of thoughts contains valuable information but it has also collected a lot of debris and mixed all this into a big unproductive mess.

Sound familiar? You know how tedious, exhausting, and discouraging tornado thinking is. Not knowing how to tame the tornado adds to the stress level and takes away our mental capacity.

Negotiation is always a two-way affair. It means the pressure is usually on both parties.

How stress can affect negotiation

Some people are better in crises than others. Some people love the pressure; others hate it.

Flight mode

If you are the sort of person who runs from conflict, the risk is that you accommodate others too early. That way, you end up with a bad deal that doesn’t serve your needs. Or that you left so many loose ends that the agreement is not workable. That accounts for the so-called „flight reaction“ that stress sometimes triggers. You want to escape from the unpleasant situation and close the deal hastily to get it over with. It’s only later that you realize the deal is going to cost you more than it benefits you.

Fight mode

On the opposite end of the spectrum, your first reaction to a conflict might be „fight“ mode. You tend to engage more and run towards confrontation. The cost can often be a damaged relationship, or the other party sticking to their guns and refusing to make a move. Some even refuse to talk to you again! When that is the case, the cost, of course, is no deal at all, hurt egos, and lower chances of working with the counterpart in the future. 

Given all of the above, it comes as no surprise that successful negotiators work so hard. They relentlessly improve their ability to mentally compensate for the fact that we tend to perceive our position as weaker.

Is negotiation stress really all that bad?

Some stress is actually good for us, especially when it doesn’t last too long. When we actively manage acute stress, it boosts our brainpower, motivates us to succeed, and pushes us to come up with creative solutions to our joint problem.

Remember the feeling of the high after you negotiated something and succeeded? It’s dopamine, the reward molecule that our brain releases when we achieve our goals. Overall, at the right levels, stress improves our negotiation performance. Think of it as the energy that can be channeled.

Again, ideally, you don’t want zero negotiation stress. By handling negotiation stress I mean lowering it to an acceptable level. Here’s how.

How to stay in control before an important negotiation

To get clarity about what you really want and how to approach the negotiation, you need to take a helicopter view. It’s quite the opposite of the mental tornado described above. Rather than letting thoughts whirl in your head, you need to start putting them on paper and collect whatever intelligence is available prior to the negotiation itself.

That way, you create additional brain capacity, become more resourceful, and come up with productive thoughts. The rule of thumb here is to dedicate at least the same amount of time to analyzing the situation as it will take to negotiate it.

Trick your amygdala to lower the stress level

Knowing about amygdala is key to handling negotiation stress. It is the part of our limbic system that processes decision-making and our emotional responses. Amygdala causes negative emotions like suspicion, distrust, anxiety, and aggression. These are often the first thoughts towards the negotiation situation or partner we’re facing.

If we don‘t actively work to deactivate these thoughts, we might think that our partners are there to deceive us or take advantage of us. That thinking leads to defensive or offensive reactions and results in the infamous adversarial zero-sum game. And as we know, that does not help reach our negotiation goals.

Instead, get into the habit of adopting a positive, cooperative state of mind. Begin by reframing your thinking and the language used from „them vs. us“ into „we“. Don’t use words like „my negotiation opponent“; think rather along the lines of „my negotiation partner“. 

Care about your negotiation partner

If people don‘t like you or don‘t want to be around you, nothing you say will have the effect you want. If they like you, even when you make mistakes, they will assume you meant well. The way you establish good relationships is to make a conscious effort to see the good things others do and comment on them. By doing this, you will be perceived in a more positive light and you will find that people will want to be around you. They’ll value your opinions because you value theirs.

Fix misunderstandings

If the current relationship is tense, find out what could be causing the current misunderstanding or lack of trust. Does one or both of you feel coerced or disrespected? Remember, the devil is in the details. Sometimes it is the tone of an e-mail, other times a lack of information on their side about you and your intentions. To be in the best position when you meet face to face, think about what you can do already at this point. Try to understand them better. Demonstrate your reliability, and show acceptance and respect.

Deal with a perceived lack of power.

Negotiation is always a two-way affair. It means the pressure is usually on both parties. An effective strategy to evaluate your relative power is to make an inventory of the stakeholders in a given negotiation.

Simply list all the people on „your side“ who may care about the outcome. Include family, friends, constituents, clients, and others. Then do the same for your negotiation partner. You might have to push hard to step into your partner’s shoes and you might not know all the context or constraints. Still, you will likely notice that the number of people who may be significantly affected by the negotiation is larger than you initially thought.  

Spot allies and common enemies

You can do even more: perhaps you and your counterpart have a shared enemy. Do you know who the real decison-maker is on their side? Often, you also have a sponsor on their side, somebody who thinks positively of you and wants you to succeed. Finally, who are the influencers? See if you can identify those important roles on their side and adapt your strategy accordingly.  

Dig deep into interests

Understanding their goals, motivations, wants, and fears will help you navigate the negotiation effectively. It is not always possible prior to talking to the other party, but try this: once you have the list of relevant parties, ask yourself these questions: What do they care about? What do they worry about? What drives them?

Then, look for the overlap of your interests. Maybe you both want the same thing, maybe your differences dovetail nicely. There surely is some overlap – otherwise, there would be no negotiation. Your task is to explore this as much as you can before the actual negotiation.

Remember they’re human, too

Remember that people might have a range of interests, both in the short term and the long term. Also, human needs are sometimes more important than hard facts. For example, a better company car might have more to do with the need for appreciation, acknowledgement, or status than it does with being able to get from point A to point B. Or, their driver might be their need to belong and be an accepted member of a peer group.  

Act Swiss

Preparing how you will face the harsh reality of conflicting interests can also lower acute stress levels while talking with the other party. Mentally prepare to meet on neutral grounds – that’s what I mean by acting Swiss. In other words, do not allow stubbornness to be the only criterion for negotiation. Of course, it is natural that the buyer wants the lowest possible price. However, barricading them with: „I demand a 10% discount and that’s that!“ will only trigger resistance in the seller. 

Instead, have on hand some external standards or precedents. Simply look for objective criteria that an independent observer might consider as valid. Having independent standards will help you avoid getting locked into a positional battle.   

Use their standards

Using their standards is an even more powerful way of handling negotiation stress that most people don’t know about. Ask yourself: What are their policies, exceptions to policies, precedents, past statements, or ways they make decisions? 

People will almost always follow their own standards. It’s because their own moral compass tells them it is the right thing to do. Nobody wants to admit to themselves that they are not honest. Also, they might be concerned that violating the standards they are supposed to follow will annoy or anger a third party important to them. It matters to them because they could be criticized or fired as a result. 

Don’t forget that each side will probably have to explain to their constituents why the deal they made is a good one. If you have just bought a house, you want to be able to brag about buying it for a good price, don‘t you?

Prepare for a Yes

It is a big mistake to „just talk to them“ assuming that it bears no risk for you. By not knowing where you want the meeting to go, you lower your chances of coming up with some good ideas and arguments. As a result, it will take you longer to solve the problem to your mutual satisfaction.

Instead, consider what level of commitment you are likely to reach at this very meeting. If you‘re negotiating simple issues, such as buying a set of used wheels for your car, sure, you might discuss all the details and close a deal during one meeting. But imagine discussing a promotion – you simply cannot expect to get to the final agreement within one discussion.   

Visualize the end product

I suggest you imagine the agreement as a timeline from the first expression of interest all the way to successful implementation. Between these points, carefully mark the sequence of events that will be required from each party to reach a binding agreement.

Then, imagine the piece of paper that you will produce during this meeting. What would it contain? A set of questions to think about? A letter of intent? An action plan for further work necessary before the agreement would be possible? A signed contract?

Once you know why you are meeting and what you hope to accomplish, you can more effectively plan the process for your meeting. You’ll be clear about the agenda, space requirements and even technical equipment you will need. 

Draw your line in sand

Not every negotiation should conclude with an agreement. Sometimes, pursuing other options might give you a better deal overall. So lower the pressure on making the deal by carefully exploring your alternatives. You’ll feel more secure and sure of when you should keep negotiating and when you should start heading for the door.

Think about the following: What happens if there is no deal? For me and for them? What other options do I have? What other options do they have? Sure, sometimes you learn that not all of your alternatives are attractive, but quite frequently, you’ll recognize that they are in a tight spot as well.

Many a time I have seen people encouraged to renegotiate their salary only after they had been headhunted by a competitor. Suddenly, they realized their true market value and that gave them the guts to open the discussion.

Skilled negotiators carefully explore and judge their alternatives to set the minimum conditions for the deal they are to negotiate: it must be better than their plan B!

Foresee identity quakes

Stress in negotiation may come from our own self-image. We all have a story we tell about who we are. And if the situation suggests something in conflict with our self-image, we have what’s called an „identity quake“: we feel our identity is stepped on, and we deny the relevance, truth, or importance of the information about us. Or we exaggerate: If I’m not competent, then I must be incompetent.

Prepare to survive identity quakes by asking yourself: Why is this conversation difficult for me when I‘ve handled others easily? What do I fear? Why would that be so bad? Remember, you will make mistakes and you will have contributed to the problem. So map out your identity footprint by asking yourself: What are my typical denial patterns? How do I keep information out? What are my typical exaggeration patterns? That way, you will be able to spot your identity triggers early on and stay in control.

Choose words carefully

Keep in mind, the other person is often having identity reactions, too. Prepare to deliver messages so that they can hear them and not feel threatened or attacked. How might they interpret your statements? A useful technique is to write down three to five statements to clearly put forth your interests. Then for each statement, list your negotiation partner’s possible responses, starting with denial: „Yes, but…“. Finally, try and reframe your statements so that they will be able to hear them better. 

Prepare a negotiation matrix

The bargaining part of negotiation can be the biggest source of stress, especially after we’ve built rapport with the counterpart and tried to put ourselves in their shoes. The best way of handling this negotiation stress is a so called “negotiation matrix”. It requires you to list all important parameters to be negotiated, and then three sets of values for each parameter: the maximum justifiable value, the target value, and the minimum acceptable value.

When you do this for all the parameters, you have a clear picture of where you can be open for the other party to have their way and where you need to fight for the parameter that is of paramount importance for you.

To give an example, imagine you’re buying a used car. Besides price as one of the key parameters, you may negotiate the form of payment, the date of the deal, down payments, extra equipment, agreed warranty period, who will pay for small repairs that might be needed, and so on and so forth. Having this clear set of variables gives you more options to reach a consensus and exchange concessions should it be necessary.   

Handle negotiating stress by swapping roles

To gain a better perspective on the other party’s viewpoint, ask your colleague or somebody to help you prepare for the negotiation and swap roles. Have them play your role and you play the role of your negotiation counterpart. Listen to the arguments as you prepared them and see what your instant reaction will be. Very often, it will provide a unique insight that you wouldn‘t otherwise get.

Speaking of which, make it a rule that you always prepare in a team for an important negotiation. Despite popular belief, it is no coincidence that hostage negotiators operate in teams with clearly defined roles. The complexity is simply too high for one person to attend to each and every aspect or nuance of a negotiation situation.  

Now, use the golden opportunity!

After you have analyzed your situation and your relative strength in this negotiation, your golden opportunity opens: you need to gather information, compensate for the weak spots, and build your relative strength!

Check their social media

It’s amazing how much you can find out in the days of the information revolution. To handle the stress of negotiating with an unknown person, ask yourself: does your counterpart use Instagram, Twitter, or LinkedIn? If so, it can be an invaluable source of information about their preferences and value system.

To prevent learning only about their public image, you can google their previous coworkers, people from other parts of the organization (abroad or local) who have done business with these people. Or ask your colleagues who know your counterpart in person. That way, you’ll feel like you’ve known the person already when meeting them for the first time.

Go down in the hierarchy

You can also talk to the people lower in the hierarchy who are often happy to be noticed and will volunteer information and lots of it. It’s because they aren’t feeling they’re negotiating. To illustrate this point, let me share a true story: a leasing agent was to renegotiate an important contract for a sports clothes retail store with a global brand. This party was escalating the situation and threatening not to sign the contract till the last minute in the hope of pulling out substantial concessions. By mere accident, the leasing agent overheard a conversation between a store assistant and a truck driver, one of the local suppliers: the counterpart had already packed their warehouse with goods to be distributed to the store the week after. Imagine the impact of this „small talk“ on the leasing agent. He now knew that the tenant was counting on the deal; they had made binding commitments already. 

What next?

So there you have it, now you know how the nuts and bolts of handling negotiation stress and the best strategies to use your preparation time productively.  Continue reading how to make the best of your preparation and How to stay calm when negotiating. If you want a step by step professional guidance, apply to our our fully tailormade 3-month program called Master Coaching for Executive Negotiators.